About a month ago Mr. W was having a real setback and a rough night. He was on email and sent an email to his mom. It wasn't awful, but it was pretty upsetting for her. She replied seeming really upset. I didn't like all of what she said, but I pondered the whole thing in my heart and decided to reply in pieces. There were about 3 or 4 separate issues really. This is my reply to two of the issues - wanted to share it esp for the ending part. It is all true. God is good - all the time. Dear Mom, I have long been pondering a reply to your email of a few weeks ago where you answered D after he wrote a small email to you on a rough day. I still don't have all the reply worked out, but decided to send part of it. First and easiest is - don't worry about us dying!! Not even a possibility at this point from the Lyme. Now don't rule out accidents, poisonings, terrorist attacks, or acts of nature - but you can rule out death by lyme. We are certainly getting better and waaaaay better than we were 4 years ago. So scratch that off. And if we did, John n Sarah have already said they'd raise the kids and both are over 18 so you are safe. hahaha roflmbo!! Next I will try to explain a strange and interesting phenomena i have found and someday should research. That is that the better I get, the harder it is to get through a "bad" time. By that I mean a period of time where it is like it was 4 years ago, or rough in some other way equal to the worst time I have had with this. It would be like if you were charting it on a line and the low point would be 4 years ago, I was ok with that low point cuz it just always was. Most days were all I could handle. But most were the same degree of miserableness. As I have progressed, the longer I go without a day that takes my all, the harder it is for me to weather a period of time - be it a day or 3 or a week - at that level of 4 years ago or even less than I have been experiencing over a month or so. For example, after being off of benadryl for two weeks, having a day or two where I have to take 4 or 5 every 3 hours all day really set me back and in addition to dealing with the physical, the depression came threatening with an overwhelming crash. I have pondered why. I can only guess that it is fear. The fear that I am not really getting better. Satan whispers that a lot. But then I just think about where I was 4 years ago and i know without a doubt I AM WAY BETTER! I am not even going to tell you some of the challenges I had then that have been gone for over two years now. But I have to make myself think logically and remember what it was like. That alone might be a little depressing - to have to remember. Another thing I think may play a part is that as we get better, we start to make plans. Thinking, "oh, by this summer I will be able to wear short sleeves" or "by this fall I will be able to teach children's church again." And when a rough time hits, those dreams go right out the window cuz we know the way we feel on that day means we can't do any of those things. Like I said, I don't really understand all the psychology of it. I know a fact is that endorphins can control either our mood or our pain - but not both. So the more pain we are dealing with, the less endorphins there are to control our mood and so we crash. It was very surprising to me when I first realized what was going on. I was upset by the fact that I KNEW I was getting so much better and this rough patch hit me so hard. At first I think the fear also is that this rough patch will be the "new norm". In other words we are going backwards. As time has gone on I have seen the truth that the rough patches go away surely. So that fear is no longer with me. I am not sure D is there yet. Additionally my "rough" spots now are physically not as difficult as 4 or even 2 years ago. However, emotionally/psychologically they are just as hard. That doesn't make sense either but it is true. I can only surmise that ourselves always think comparatively and rather than compare with what I was 4 years ago, my self compares to what I was the week before this rough patch hit. I have to make myself compare and remember 4 years ago. Our selves tend to forget hard times as a self defense mechanism and most of the time it serves us well. But occasionally it causes us to overreact to a small negative event when previously we had weathered that same negative event to an even greater degree. I am not sure if any of that makes any sense, but it is truth. I am sure that is what happened to D when he wrote to you and I am sorry the email upset you. He has had a lot of good days - comparatively - even an occasional day when he did not live on benadryl every 3-4 hours. Unheard of except for a few times this past year. That alone is GREAT progress and shows how far he has come and what direction he is going. However, the rough patch he was in that day really hit him hard. As I explained above. I have been dealing with the issue for over a year - wondering what was wrong with me when I KNEW i was getting better, yet the depression would be SO strong in the a rough time. He is just now experiencing this and I am sure it is as overwhelming to him as it was to me. It was out of that overwhelmedness that he wrote to you. He was just being honest. But I want you to know it isn't always like that. Like Hannah said, as you believe the truth with us that we are getting better, you can reply to him in that vein and encourage him that he will get through this rough time. I know you want to fix it. We wish you were able to to! Or we were able. Or ANYONE ANYWHERE IN OR OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE is able. But only God is able. And He is. And He knows what He is doing. I am not even going to attempt an explanation for why it is taking so long or why it is so hard. I am not even going to go into the politics of lyme research - or lack thereof. I am just going to trust that He knows, He hears, and He is working everything out. The song from JOSEPH KING OF DREAMS says it all - "You know better than I. You know the way. I'll let go my need to know why for you know better than I." This is the song and the portion of the movie that goes with it. Kind of my theme song. I would never have wanted to go through what Joseph did. As I look at Josh and Reuben, they remind me so much of Joseph and Benjamin with the same age spread. Seeing them together just makes me cry when I think of Joseph being sold at 13 with Benjamin only 3 and then Joseph never saw Benjamin again until he was 23.. Oh how much he missed!! Oh how Benjamin must have cried! Josh is one of Roo's very very favoritest! They wrestle and Josh gives him shoulder rides everywhere. Roo loves to ride up high. He loves to be with Josh - doing anything. And asks for him constantly. If I had to choose this or what Joseph went through, I would choose this. It is so easy for us to ponder that story because we know how it ends and our minds automatically go to the good ending and we don't experience much grief. Joseph didn't know the end. Not when he was second in charge in Egypt (which felt pretty good I guess but still missing his family so much) and esp not when he was in that jail (which can not have had any good part at all). I wonder if his heart ever stopped hurting. And I wonder if Benjamin didn't have so many days of missing his special friend. And even the reunion after 20 years could really never erase the time lost. We all think ours is the roughest. It never is. I swear no matter how bad our "whatever" gets - there always seems to be someone somewhere worse off than we. Or maybe it is just that someone else's challenge just looks like more than we could handle. It probably is. That is why God gives us "our" challenge. But in magnitude many may be the same. You and Dad have your own challenges with health issues. I know they can be overwhelming at times. But you manage, you go on, you just handle it, you just do. Joseph did too. We do too. God gives each of us the grace and strength to handle whatever particular thing we have to deal with. And he doesn't fill you with what you need at birth, he metes it out day to day just as you need it. He is always enough. And that is all we ever really need - just enough. That doesn't mean we won't cry and it doesn't mean we won't be overwhelmed and it doesn't mean we won't wish it would all go away. But it does mean that He knows and that we can trust Him to be what we need. We truly have so much to be thankful for. I have been in very few households that hold as much love and laughter as ours does. Rarely does a day go by that we do not laugh out loud. God has so so richly blessed and we all so truly enjoy each other and life. Lots of little things in life. No, we don't get cruises or trips to the Bahamas - but we did get 16 PERFECT days in Destin with a set of grandparents right downstairs, a pool and a hot tub in the back and the beach two blocks away, no time constraints and no have to's, and 16 glorious days with Rozella. . . who knew she would be gone before a year was up. Would we trade that for a cruise? NO. And we don't get sightseeing trips in the Adirondacks and we can't hike the Appalachian trail (yet), but oddly enough, the WalMart in Traveler's Rest is built on a million dollar location with a great view of the mountain range - seriously - and the sunsets are nothing short of spectacular. I will try to send some pictures of the many many sunsets we have experienced there. I never take one for granted. Each is so unique and beautiful. And we spend so much time in that parking lot. LOL! And no, we don't have cable - shoot, we don't even get a single channel! But we are so richly blessed with some of the FUNNIEST kids around! The other day Zee asked me if a meteor would ever come and hit the earth and kill us. I assured her no and we talked about God's wonderful protection in the firmament and I got an opportunity to teach her of a loving God who provides so wonderfully. Then I asked her if she would like to go outside with me some night when there was a meteor shower and watch it. She replied, "No, I don't think so." And I told her of one night when I sat in the rocker on the front porch watching so many meteors and how each one just reminded me so much of how God protects us. She still didn't think she wanted to see one. So I told her they were just shooting stars, nothing to be afraid of. I thought she would ask "what is a shooting star" as I do not believe she has ever seen one. Instead she looked at me, tilted her head, looked very thoughtful, then afraid, then quietly asked, "Are they very loud?" CRACKED ME UP! Like fireworks I guess she was thinking. (Ptown had their own fireworks show for the 4th of July and the kids and I went. It was at Ptown Opry and the night was soooo special!!) Of course that caused me to wonder if there is a huge rock going hundreds of millions of miles an hour and it hits our atmosphere and disintegrates - I should think there would be a sound SOMEWHERE! Many have assured me there is not. Space is "nothing" - "a vacuum". I can't get my head around that one. Guess I don't really need to. And Wednesday Dad brought Hannah to church and somehow Roo got the idea he was going with Papa. I had to do something quick - and you have to imagine Roo's serious face in this tale. Sarah said her eyebrows were cramping just watching him! So I said, "But Reuben, who will sleep with Mama? I will be lonely." His brows and brain went right to work and it did not take long for him to say, "Zee! Zee can sleep with you!" He was glad to have thought that one up so quickly! So then I said, "Well, but who will do the remote for me?" (and this is no lie, that kid can operate our universal remote and make that dvd player and tv sit up and beg! I can hardly figure out the volume!) "You are the best one with it." Again, his brows were busy. . . you could see the wheels turning. It took him a little longer this time,but once again - he had it. "Zee! Zee can do the remote!" Again, he was just tickled with himself for taking care of that objection and continuing on his Papa path. So then I asked him, " But Roo - who will get the words on the screen for me? Noone does that better than you. You know just how to get the words." You have to know Roo ALWAYS wants the words on EVERY movie. I think it is part of how he taught himself to read. Again his brows showed us how hard his brain was working as he looked this way, then that. . . This time the answer was longer in coming. We waited. Staring at his face that was SO busy! No smile, total concentration. Then at last it stopped. He looked down, sighed a little sigh and then said, "All right. (sigh) I will stay." YOU CAN IMAGINE we all just ERUPTED into laughter!! And my mama's heart was touched that he would give up going to Papa's to help me with my remote challenges!! What would I trade these days for? NOTHING! Some of the country songs best explain where we live. Songs that say: Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine
And that`s home you know
Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine
Where the peaches grow
And my house it`s not much to talk about
But it`s filled with love that`s grown in southern ground its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most
Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes
There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I`ve come to know
So if you agree have a drink with me
Raise your glasses for a toast I thank God for my life
And for the stars and stripes
May freedom forever fly, let it ring.
Salute the ones who died
The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice
All the things we love
Like our chicken fried Cold beer on a Friday night
A pair of jeans that fit just right
And the radio up
Well I`ve seen the sunrise
See the love in my woman`s eyes
Feel the touch of a precious child
And know a mother`s love -------------------------------------------------------------------- Well baby, there ain't no maybe about it
I ain't made of money
So I know that you ain't hangin round for that
If it grew on trees
The branches on mine wouldn't have no leaves
On a shoe-string, saving every dime we made
No Cadillac cruising, no boat on a lake
Out in no-man's-land on an old two-lane
Yeah but we like it that way
It's good to be us,
good to be breathing
Day after night after day, this feeling
Feels the way it should
If this is as good as it gets, then good
It's good to be us
Aw, give me this air and give me this land
When I lay down at night girl, give me your hand
I can take any hurt this world has to give
As long as I got you, as long as I live
I'll make your life as sweet as I can
I'll move every mountain to be that man
That gives you space and a place to land
You wake up smiling, knowing that
It's good to be us,
good to be breathing
Day after night after day, this feeling
Feels the way it should
If this is as good as it gets, then good
It's better than best, yeah we got it made
In the shade, in the sun, in love this way - yeah
We got lucky baby, we've been blessed
Couldn't ask for more, wouldn't settle for less
It's good to be us, yeah, it's good to be us
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Way back up in the country, back in the hills
Down in the hollows where the folks are real
Livin with the crazzies and the old wildcats
Sawed off shotguns and coonskin caps
That's where I'm from and I'm proud to say
I'm from the country and I like it that way
Everybody knows everybody, everybody calls you friend
You don't need an invitation, kick off your shoes come on in
Yeah, we know how to work and we know how to play
We're from the country and we like it that way
All day long we work in the fields
Then bring it on home to a home cooked meal
We love ya like Sunday, treat ya like Saturday night
And when the bed gets full we can sleep in the hay (hey)
Were from the country and we like it that way
Everybody knows everybody, everybody calls you friend
You dont need an invitation, kick off your shoes come on in
Yeah, we know how to work and we know how to play
Were from the country
Were from the country
Were from the country and we like it that way ----------------------------------------------------------------- We're in Punkintown cuz that's where kids need to be raised. Boys need trees and dogs and trails. Girls need creeks and flowers and gardens. And all kids need to grow up in a place where everybody knows them and calls them by name. All kids need to grow up thinking the general store at the crossroads where they sell penny candy is the way everyone grows up. That shoes are optional if you smile real pretty, that you can park on the road and swim in the creek you see there, that the guy in line behind will give you a dime if you are short for that coke you are purchasing. I think of the Gosselin family and how they had EVERYTHING! And just look at that mess!! The world says we need big homes, new cars, and age segregation. It says more things make us happy and we are deprived if we never go on a cruise, vacation at the beach in summer, or have a condo. But time and time again I watch as families who seem to "have it all" just fall apart. I know many don't think we have much. But in all total honesty I can tell you in 25 years I have not seen ONE family I would trade with. I am not kidding. Some have come close and a few even with what we have - but most are so far from even knowing anything like it. Everyday is filled with love and laughter. Hugs and kisses are neither few nor far between. And we all appreciate so many "little" things - like hot running water, $5 Little Caesar's Pizzas, and a toilet that flushes!!! Our kids even have a name for that time when the sun has just set over the top of the mountains but its rays still shine over and everything takes on a golden hue - esp the tops of the trees and the top of our yard. They call it "the golden touch". It is really unique and beautiful! There are more stars in the country, more frogs and crickets, and whippoorwills! Crayfish in the creek, roses climbing the front fence, and zuchinni and tomatos in the garden. We have firecamps and tire swings and trails. The kids have special places in the woods I've never seen but they all know - Six Pines, The Big Tree, etc. They work together on supper, gardens, and escaped dogs. Reuben got so excited when he realized the new chess set was TWO PLAYER!! LOL!! They always have someone to play chess with, someone to blame, and someone to help them clean up the mess. I think sometimes it is hard for other people to see what we see. I guess cuz they don't live it. Do we have rough days? Yeah. But not nearly as many as people think. And they are just that - rough days. They never last, and tomorrow always comes. Each day is a brand new day with so much possibility in it. And even on a rough day, there are treasures. A thankful heart is a happy heart and is the key to unlock the treasure chest which contains each day's treasure. Each day I see my mom's face is a treasure to me!!! Every day I hear from John is a treasure. Each time I see Reuben's smile is a treasure. Zee's inquiring questions are treasures to me. Hannah's selfless spirit, Sarah's hard work, Tony's ENDLESS jokes, Andrew on his toes going silently stealthily from room to room (I swear he is a ninja!), and Josh's boundless enthusiasm! My Dad's laughter and the way he serves my Mom. And D's endless never changing always steadfast love is something I never take for granted - not even one day! Every beat of his heart is a true treasure for me. Sometimes I just put my head on his chest and listen to it and thank God for each and every beat that keeps him close to me. And even no no no sadness comes if I think of a day it won't beat - because that day will be so wonderful!! One of the most beautiful things about our relationship is that it will NEVER end!! We will always be together. Even if separated for a time by space and time - it will not last and one day we will be together over there like we are here. And always there will be love and laughter and such peace. My truest wish for everyone I know is that they could live a life like this. Where "broken window" and "usual" are used in the same sentence. Where kittens fall out of your engine while you go down the road and they don't get run over and you go back and pick them up wet, dirty, and protesting LOUDLY as you drive them home. Where "cleaning the van" means putting it all in bags and putting it in the exact spot in the living room that just took Mom and the LR person TWO WEEKS to clean from a previous "cleaning" of a bedroom. (sigh) Where big brother buys 15 - count them FIFTEEN pizzas from Little Caesars cuz he wanted to make sure everyone got enough to eat. Where Papa takes the grandkids and keeps them until Mom says they have to come home. Where the dog jumps out the window causing a panic, where a toilet gets flushed a minimum of 27 times a day. (yes, i counted!) Where shoes disappear every time the kids take them off, where dvd's appear seemingly out of thin air, where trolls steal the TP (that HAS to be the ONLY way we go through THAT MUCH TP!), and the teens can make supper when there seems to be "nothing" to eat. I could go on and on with anecdotes. ALL the ones in this email are from this past month! Every one! I could fill emails with them. I try to write down as many as I can remember. Kids are so funny! And so is D. I am even learning to tell a good tale and make a laugh out of many seemingly not funny things. If the options are to laugh or cry - we laugh! Crying just wastes energy and gives you a headache!! Sure, we have down times. But we've learned to bounce. A very admirable character trait considering life on this earth.
Pastor spoke recently on peace. He said after salvation and health challenges that is the #1 prayer request he gets. It seems to elude so many people. Despite normal squabbles, temper tantrums, and lengthy explanations of why the screen door should not swing to and fro in the wind - our house is peaceful. It is a place we like to be. We go away and then are glad to get "home". Home isn't the house, the rooms, the things. Home is peace. Home is a place where you can be you. Where you can make mistakes and still be loved. Where you can totally screw up but learn and change and grow and know you will always be encouraged and supported. Home is grace. Home is hugs. Home is loud and crazy and unexpected. Home is bare feet and your favorite holey shirt. Home is someone to pick you up when you fall, someone to wipe the blood, someone to help you put out the fire. Home is where you learn to fail forward. Home is where you learn to be nice to yourself. Home is where imperfection meets a perfect God and you find out that is ok. Home is Jesus with skin on. "I'm sorry" "Let me help" "Thank you" Home is an incubator where the kids get to watch imperfect parents deal with an imperfect life. What better preparation for life could there be? Lasting lessons, lasting bonds, lasting faith.
I will close with one last song. This one isn't country - we still listen to Christian music too. I like most of the country (we don't listen to ALL of them! MERCY!!) cuz they make me laugh, reflect our life, and remind me how madly in love with D I am! I like that. But this song probably sums it all up the best: Watch the video - it says it all! I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty
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